Satire: North Academic Center to Become For-profit Prison this Summer

Previously published by The Crampus

These are trying times at the City College of New York. Just as a family who is struggling with finances, CCNY is finding areas to cut back and get a little creative with money-making ideas.

President Vincent Boudreau has made the executive decision to turn the North Academic Center, or NAC, into a for-profit prison during the summer sessions.

One miserable Tuesday afternoon, Boudreau was walking past the mammoth NAC and a lightbulb appeared. “Hmmmm,” he scratched his head, “this building looks just depressing enough to be a prison.”

This is when the ball started rolling.

Boudreau, on fire about his most recent money-making idea, called Cynthia Brann, the New York City Department of Corrections Commissioner, and explained the structure of the NAC. “There are hundreds of rooms that have no windows!” he said, citing the decrepit facilities CCNY students take courses in.

The commissioner was elated. Brann, who has 35 years of corrections and public safety experience, visited the next day. Approaching Boudreau, she commented “This facility looks exactly like the prison we are designing right now for 2019.”

With the commissioner in on the deal, and an 8-million-dollar debt looming over his head, Boudreau only had a few questions to answer before June: “Who will work the facility?” “Where will summer school take place?” and “How can I ensure safety for the students?”

The first question is quite easily solved. Who better to regulate the new correctional facility than Public Safety officers? Often, these individuals act as if the buildings on campus are high-security institutions in their day to day anyway. Boudreau, in conjunction with Public Safety Lieutenant Anthony Laperuta, has enlisted each and every Public Safety officer to serve as wardens in the NAC Prison.

Next, there is a real concern about where summer students will be housed once the NAC is occupied with inmates. When asked about this speed bump, Boudreau was unfazed.

“When weighing my options, I felt that in the long run, more money coming to this institution would help students more than it would cause them strife. If this means having some classes sitting on the grass, then that’s acceptable collateral damage,” he shared.

Boudreau plans to have professors teach in different corners of the quad. Courses in this situation will be labeled “Quad SW1,” or something similar, in the location section on CUNYfirst.

Lastly, Boudreau, Laperuta, and Brann wanted to guarantee the safety of all CCNY students and the Harlem community at large. After hours of deliberation in the Wille Administration Building, Laperuta walked to the window in frustration and stared out at the NAC. Discouraged beyond belief, he finally came to a conclusion.

“I’ve got it,” Laperuta celebrated. “Out with it,” responded Boudreau in angst. Leaning over the conference table with a smirk, Laperuta spoke, “Let’s intentionally break all of the escalators and elevators so none of the inmates can leave with ease.”

Boudreau smiled and leaned back in his chair, “already done.”

Design by Anthony Viola

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