Satire: Haris Khan Launches 2020 Presidential Bid

Previously published by The Crampus

Former USG President leaves CCNY office to be president of the U.S., names Lisa Coico as vice

Adding to the already robust field of 2020 hopefuls, former Undergraduate Student Government President Haris Khan announced his presidential bid on Friday, March 22. Khan, who also serves as the Chairperson for the University Student Senate and the only student member of the CUNY Board of Trustees, recently made Politico headlines when he resigned as CCNY’s head of state.

The Campus’ own Dustin Graziano reported about the happenings, sharing, “Khan hopes that his resignation from the presidency will serve as a wakeup call, as he is known to be a man who is all about student government and finding ways to improve the conditions for students on campus.” At the time, Khan claimed he left the post due to “current dynamics of the student government.”

Yet, with his 2020 campaign “YES WE KHAN” in full swing, the candidate’s intentions for resigning seem increasingly unclear. When asked if defeating Donald Trump led to his decision to trade one presidency for the other, Khan admitted, “Why play in the minor leagues with people like President Boudreau when you can swing for the fences in Washington?” The big leagues, he continued on, “need me. CCNY will live on without me as president. The U.S. however, well, I’m just not sure the Constitution can survive without Khan in office.” His omission of the real reason why he left is not the only controversial aspect of the former USG leader’s campaign.

In a move that shocked everyone from students to administrators, Khan has officially named Lisa Coico as his vice presidential candidate for 2020. Coico, quite famously, was under investigation for embezzling tens of thousands of dollars from the college. As the two sat together in the CUNY Medical School office, where the former academic and politician still works, they laughed like old friends at the irony of their partnership.

“Look,” Coico began, “we have to fight fire with fire. Right now, there is a full-blown criminal running this country.” Khan, agreeing, finished her sentence, “Who better to beat a criminal than a criminal?”

After several attempts, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded for comment. “President Trump has a very simple message for both Haris Khan and Lisa Coico,” she shared, “bring it on.” Trump himself sized up the competition in a recent tweet. He typed, “An immigrant AND a woman? SAD! Good luck. I have done more for CCNY than any other person. Moron Khan and Loco Coico need to stay in their lane! #MAGA #NOYOUCANT.”

Undeterred by these remarks, the partners in crime are running on an extremely progressive platform, with education front and center. Following Senator Bernie Sanders’ push for free college, the “YES WE KHAN” team has a plan of their own. In conjunction with their campaign manager Governor Andrew Cuomo, Khan and Coico’s first executive move would be making all CUNY schools free of charge, on one condition: the Ivys need to pay up. Universities including Harvard, Princeton, and Yale will use the bribes given by the parents of unqualified legacy students to fund CUNY’s 3-billion-dollar budget.

Their second campaign mission, Coico’s idea, centers around deregulating financial institutions across the country. Dismissing any personal investment in the idea, Coico explained, “It is of the utmost importance to my running mate and I to give people basic human rights. Health care, education, an expensively furnished home – these are not gifts, but inalienable human needs.” Khan echoed, “If I’ve learned anything during my time as USG president, it is the value of listening to the experts on these issues. L-dog, as I call her, knows finances, she knows money, and I trust her.”

As a completely grassroots movement, not including Coico’s monthly dips into CCNY’s philanthropic foundation, Khan encourages his fellow students and former constituents to support them financially. “We need you. This is a campaign funded by the people and for the people. Trust me, I’ve tried to get Excelsior to cover the majority of it, but that office is backed up until after Inauguration Day,” he explains. To date, their fundraising efforts have amassed to 3,200 dining dollars, an unlimited MetroCard, and one handwritten IOU from President Boudreau.

Donning a USS sweatshirt and holding back one single tear, Khan concluded, “I’m not doing this for me. Heck, I’m not even doing this just for the people of the NAC. I am running for one reason and one reason only – have you heard how good our pun is?”

Design by Loretta Violante

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