Previously published by The Crampus
Fancy meeting you here,
Have you heard the news? Our Crampus team of dedicated staff have been investigating the goings on at CCNY all year – and do we have some scoops for you.
Here is what we found: Benny the Beaver is single and ready to mingle; the college administration scandal is active and cashing out at City; Former USG President Haris Khan is running in 2020 with Lisa Coico as his VP; our own President Vincent Boudreau has declared a campus emergency to build a wall keeping other CUNYs out; cockroaches and mice have organized to fight against their crippling university home; Public Safety is stealing students’ weed; CDI researchers are cloning adjuncts and raising them in the child care center; young white men are CCNY’s most vulnerable population; a South Academic Center is just around the corner (literally); Student Life is bursting clubs’ personal space bubble; the gymnasium is splintering and maiming students; and City College is hiring, only if you have no qualifications.
That was a mouthful. While some of these seem more unbelievable than others – I mean, Benny still single? Come on – now may be the time to disclose that The Crampus is taking a couple, few, several liberties with the truth for this edition.
Yet, we had you for a second there, huh?
In all seriousness, the following pieces are meant to poke fun at the institution we all call home, sans ill will. “All” represents the students, faculty, staff, administration, mice, cockroaches, and as of recently, Rocky Racoon. With love and a couple of tricks up our sleeves, The Crampus team wishes you a happy April Fools’ Month.
I hope you come here often,